As recent church events have rocked many boats, including my own, a dear brother of mine helped me to see that with these changes, family is put first and foremost. Our loving Heavenly Father yearns for family unity more than anything else on this earth. With this latest change in church policy, I feel that is what He is providing for, family unity above all else. With that said, I felt impressed to include the talk I gave in hopes it may help at least one of you.
As a marriage and family therapist, I find it quite interesting that I was asked to speak on family unity. Many times what I see in my office is anything BUT family unity. I could give you examples all day of families that lack unity, sometimes in the most toxic ofways, but I find it far more important to talk about what we can do to promote family unity in our homes. President Spencer W Kimball, in a conference talk in 1987 . The family is the basic unit of the kingdom of God on earth. The Church can be no healthier than its families. No government can long endure without strong families. Isn't it great that our prophet said things nearly 30 years ago that are still as relevant, and maybe even more so, today?
I think we all too often get caught up in the hubbub of life:... Planning the perfect party according to Pinterest... Making certain our kids are wearing the best looking clothes... Making st Patrick's day treats that are photographable for Instagram…
We easily get caught up in these things and forget that what our kids need most is love. (I know I’m guilty of this) How often do we stop everything we are doing and give our children quality time? Or is our definition of quality time, being in the same room while checking Facebook or watching tv? How often do we get down on the floor with them and really play? Our children need to know they are valued, that they are loved. I have a 13 year old client who acts out all too often, mom consistently says “I don't understand, i give her everything she wants, why does she still behave this way?” We talk often over the idea that maybe all this child really needs is a hug, or encouragement. Sometimes in our busy lives it's far easier to give our kids "stuff" than to take the time to show them their worth.
We easily get caught up in these things and forget that what our kids need most is love. (I know I’m guilty of this) How often do we stop everything we are doing and give our children quality time? Or is our definition of quality time, being in the same room while checking Facebook or watching tv? How often do we get down on the floor with them and really play? Our children need to know they are valued, that they are loved. I have a 13 year old client who acts out all too often, mom consistently says “I don't understand, i give her everything she wants, why does she still behave this way?” We talk often over the idea that maybe all this child really needs is a hug, or encouragement. Sometimes in our busy lives it's far easier to give our kids "stuff" than to take the time to show them their worth.
And what about our spouse's? Sometimes they are more difficult than the kids! What can we do in our marriages to promote family unity? Probably the best way, is through the example of your own unified marriage. Now does a unified marriage mean we get along 100 percent of the time, I hope not, or I'm in real trouble! A unified marriage is Working together for the benefit of the family as a whole; Lift up your spouse, support your husband, communicate with your wife, in these simple measures we can strengthen the unity of our marriage and therefore our families as well. Do we appreciate and thank our spouses for all of the things they do? What about the check that just shows up in our bank account on schedule? What about the parts of the house that ARE clean? Or the clothes that are washed and in our drawers? Do we just expect things to be done without appreciating the work that went into actually doing those things? I am guilty of this myself. Generally our first reaction when we see something that hasn't been done is to wonder why or get angry that it hasn't been done.
Elder Scott gave a talk shortly after his beloved wife passed away. He shared with us "I learned from my wife the importance of expressions of love. Early in our marriage, often I would open my scriptures to give a message in a meeting, and I would find an affectionate, supportive note Jeanene had slipped into the pages. Sometimes they were so tender I could hardly talk.”
Just a note, a thank you, or recognition for something our spouse or children or others have done goes a long way. You can never hear thank you, I love you, or I appreciate you doing that for me too many times!!
In my current job, I work as a child and family therapist to foster families and families who have adopted children from foster care.... I love everything about my job (most days) as I work with those families daily to build strong foundations and create unity in the home. I teach these things to temporary family's (foster care) as well as the often traumatized and often unhealthy biological families. As we work towards reunification of the family The number one goal is always reunification with family FIRST and when that has no chance of working we move towards adoption into a new healthy family. Why do we follow this procedure? Because we know how important family is. That a family can make or break a child’s future.
In my current job, I work as a child and family therapist to foster families and families who have adopted children from foster care.... I love everything about my job (most days) as I work with those families daily to build strong foundations and create unity in the home. I teach these things to temporary family's (foster care) as well as the often traumatized and often unhealthy biological families. As we work towards reunification of the family The number one goal is always reunification with family FIRST and when that has no chance of working we move towards adoption into a new healthy family. Why do we follow this procedure? Because we know how important family is. That a family can make or break a child’s future.
Life is hard, family is hard. If it wasn't we'd never learn through our family experiences. There are days where I can choose to either laugh or cry. Humor is my friend. ... I often find myself thinking of my family in terms of "I live in a madhouse ruled by a small army that I created myself." Or as Cary Grant once said, "insanity runs in my family. In Fact it practically gallops!" Don't we all feel this way from time to time?
For those of you who don't know, I am the mother of 7 fabulous kids, ranging in age from 18-down to 4. Now in many cases some might call my family a yoursmine and ours family, but if you ask me, I will gladly tell you, we are a mine mine and mine family. There is no line drawn between step siblings or half siblings, because to me those titles are irrelevant, we are a family, and that's what matters. Now does that mean we get along 100% of the time? Certainly not, Some weeks we’re lucky to hit 60%
How often do we find ourselves scolding or giving negative feedback to our Children, or to our spouse, compared to how often we are found giving compliments and praise... I would challenge us all to find the amazing in one another, point out the positives, enlighten each other, encourage each other, be your family's best advocate and cheerleader, teach your children to pray for one another, because down the road, in the eternal picture, it's is not our birthday parties, elaborate craft projects, or perfect place settings at the table that will be valuable to us, it will be our families and our relationships with them.
In 1st Thessolonians 5:11 Comfort yourselves together and edify one another this means we should“Encourage one another and build each other up.”
Now, we cannot measure our family success on whether every person in the home is happy all the time, that's unrealistic, as long as you are striving to do your best, that is all you can do.
When I was a kid, we'd go on family excursions or adventures, and every time we'd be heading back home, my younger brother would say "i didn't have any fun" to which my parents response was generally, okay we'll leave you home next time. Was this a family failure that one kid always ended up grumpy? Of course not! What if every child was unhappy about it, would it be a family failure then? Nope, not even then. Growing up our Monday Family night activities had themes, A Cultural activity, A make the house happy “activity” (This is when we’d improve our house in some way, indoors or out), we’d do activities to serve others, and once a month we’d do a fun family activity. - Now I could stand here and tell you that I loved all the Make the house happy and service days, but that would be far from the truth. Most times I dreaded these activities, BUT they taught us as a family to work together, as well as what the important things in life really are.
Now with those 7 kids, a spouse, and a few dogs at my home, saying life gets crazy is an understatement.Some days we’re just trying to survive until bedtime! I remember a time not long ago when I felt I was failing as both a wife and mother, I just couldn't get my life, or my house, or my family to be picture perfect. It was at this time, that My dear mother (She must have been inspired) sent me a Simple little sign for my home that read. Good Moms have Sticky Floors, Messy Kitchens, Laundry Piles, and Happy Children. This not only made me feel validated as a wife and mother, but also went deeper and reminded me of what really matters. As you drive by my house on any given day you'll probably see 4000 bikes in the yard, a couple dishes the ten year old brought out for who knows what reason, a sock or two of the 4 year olds, Easter grass that I've never seen before, And a sidewalk lined with broken rocks as my kids, with the use of a hammer, learned what can be found inside those rocks... A Family doesn’t need to be perfect, they just need to be united, and we strive for that everyday at our house.
When I was a kid, we'd go on family excursions or adventures, and every time we'd be heading back home, my younger brother would say "i didn't have any fun" to which my parents response was generally, okay we'll leave you home next time. Was this a family failure that one kid always ended up grumpy? Of course not! What if every child was unhappy about it, would it be a family failure then? Nope, not even then. Growing up our Monday Family night activities had themes, A Cultural activity, A make the house happy “activity” (This is when we’d improve our house in some way, indoors or out), we’d do activities to serve others, and once a month we’d do a fun family activity. - Now I could stand here and tell you that I loved all the Make the house happy and service days, but that would be far from the truth. Most times I dreaded these activities, BUT they taught us as a family to work together, as well as what the important things in life really are.
Now with those 7 kids, a spouse, and a few dogs at my home, saying life gets crazy is an understatement.Some days we’re just trying to survive until bedtime! I remember a time not long ago when I felt I was failing as both a wife and mother, I just couldn't get my life, or my house, or my family to be picture perfect. It was at this time, that My dear mother (She must have been inspired) sent me a Simple little sign for my home that read. Good Moms have Sticky Floors, Messy Kitchens, Laundry Piles, and Happy Children. This not only made me feel validated as a wife and mother, but also went deeper and reminded me of what really matters. As you drive by my house on any given day you'll probably see 4000 bikes in the yard, a couple dishes the ten year old brought out for who knows what reason, a sock or two of the 4 year olds, Easter grass that I've never seen before, And a sidewalk lined with broken rocks as my kids, with the use of a hammer, learned what can be found inside those rocks... A Family doesn’t need to be perfect, they just need to be united, and we strive for that everyday at our house.
This fall marks the 20th anniversary of the Proclamation of the Family. IF you have not read it recently, I might suggest that you do!
Elder Bednar stated in 2006: Such instruction has never been more needed than it is in the world today, as the sanctity of marriage is attacked and the importance of the home is undermined." That was nine years ago and does it not seem to get worse every day?
Above everything else, we need to put the Savior first in our lives. I think we all know what we need to do to put the Savior first, in our lives, in our marriages, in our families. It is sometimes just hard. Satan is the one that likes to make it hard. He is the master at making things hard. He knows what will pull us away from the things that we need to be doing. He knows that if he can mess up the head of a family unit that he might not even have to work on the kids because of the damage he can do by starting at the top.
I am so grateful for the family I grew up with as well as my own family. I am learning everyday new ways to handle things, the capacity of my patience, and how to help our family through difficult times. Growing up my parents provided many opportunities for family unity, whether this was early morning family prayer andscriptures reading or the monthly family councils we had to ensure we are all on the same page and in this together. I remember growing up my dad would take each child individually each month and give us a father's interview of sorts. In this interview he'd inquire about our lives, our friends, our Dreams.. He'd listen to our troubles and concerns, and use this time to teach valuable gospel lessons and principles. This is just one of the many ways that my busy father promoted unity in our home.
Now with my own family I often think of my parents and Wonder how on earth they did all that they did, and survived it! Whatever they did obviously worked, as my siblings are some of my best friends, in fact my husband often feels my family is a little too unified.
I strive every day to be a better mother and wife than I was the day before. Many days I fall short, I recognize those days, learn from those days, and move forward. It is my hope that we can all be a little kinder, a little more open, and a little more dedicated to our families.
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